So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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