At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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