i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
