she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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