If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
