I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
