Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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