I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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