my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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