Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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