i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
