maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
