If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
