Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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