I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
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We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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