she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
