he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
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Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
