just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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