Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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