He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
