I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sry I called you an 8
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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