god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
