there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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