She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
