Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
