In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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