i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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