matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
