im having a threesome with these popsicles
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize