i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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