I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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