Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
