I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
