this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
