Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
