just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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