I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
