Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
