The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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