tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
