and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
