My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
