are you still at the devil's house?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i think i just lost a toe
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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