I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
