Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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