her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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