it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
