my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize