Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
