I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
