my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
