Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i need some magic done to my vagina
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
