You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
