I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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