Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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