just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
