Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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