I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
