i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was like eating out sand paper
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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