I think I am morally bankrupt
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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