my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
